So, things did not go as planned today. I like to write first thing (after working out and a shower), but I was flooded with emails, and I had all sorts of things to post and I also had a few interviews (31 Plays/31 Days is blowing up out the box!), so I didn’t write my play. I wrote it when the kids were home (key dramatic music). The boy is napping, the girl follows me around making funny noises… But I wrote anyway. I wrote without judgement, like my pal Tracy told me. Here it is, my first play… I can’t promise I’ll post all the plays I write this month, but as long as it can’t ruin my life I’ll try to. Not sure if what I was going for worked in this piece… Let me know what you think (and this is right off the burner, first draft!).

First Date On The Brain, a ten minute play

By Rachel Bublitz

JENNY sits at a table for two. Behind her on stage standing is JENNY’S BRAIN.

JENNY’S BRAIN He’s late. He’s late. Ugh. Why do I do this to myself? He’s probably secretly gay anyway… Or worse, maybe he saw me and left without me seeing! I hope I look okay. God, I’m hungry… Where is he?

DANIEL enters, DANIEL’S BRAIN enters right behind him.

DANIEL’S BRAIN Please be her, please be her, please be her.

DANIEL Jenny?

JENNY Yes, hello! Daniel, right?

JENNY rises and shakes DANIEL’s hand.

DANIEL’S BRAIN Hold eye contact, do not look at her boobs. Eye contact!

JENNY and DANIEL sit at the table. DANIEL’S BRAIN stands behind him.

DANIEL Sorry I’m late, bart.

JENNY’S BRAIN Great, he doesn’t even own a car.

JENNY Don’t worry about it, I’ve only been here like 10 minutes.

JENNY’S BRAIN Try thirty.

JENNY So, I’ve never been here before, what’s good?

JENNY grabs a menu and begins to look through it.

DANIEL’S BRAIN She’s not looking! Those are nice tits. Damn, it’s been so long since I’ve touched breasts. I wonder how soft they are.

DANIEL I like the burger, they put a friend egg on top. It’s unbelievable.

JENNY’S BRAIN He eats meat?

JENNY Oh, I’m vegetarian.

DANIEL’S BRAIN Shiiiiiiiit.

DANIEL They have a veggie pizza that’s good too. I was thinking of getting that. I’ve been trying to cut back on meat lately. It’s just so…

JENNY’S BRAIN Bad for the environment, your health, cruel to animals…?

DANIEL Expensive, you know?

JENNY Yeah, it can be pricey.

DANIEL’S BRAIN Idiot. Stop staying stupid shit or there will be no sex! Think, think, think….

DANIEL So, you’re a writer, right?

JENNY’S BRAIN Ugh.

JENNY Yea, pretty much.

DANIEL What do you write?

JENNY I write plays.

JENNY’S BRAIN Wait for it, wait for it…

DANIEL’S BRAIN Plays? Theatre? Shit, think of a play, any play… Um, wasn’t “A Few Good Men” a play first? Shit, I can’t remember. Think of a play!

DANIEL Like “Wicked”?

JENNY’S BRAIN And there it is.

JENNY “Wicked” is a musical. I write plays.

DANIEL Oh, yeah, I knew that. Have you had any of your plays put up?

JENNY Not yet.

DANIEL Oh. How do you make money from that?

JENNY I don’t really make much money. I’m a assitant for a law firm during the day.

JENNY’S BRAIN I am such a loser. How can I tell people I’m a playwright if I haven’t even had one play produced. God, he must be thinking I’m so lame right now.

DANIEL’S BRAIN Shit, I’ve embarrassed her. First I sound like an idiot, and now I’m making her feel bad.

JENNY What about you?

DANIEL I teach.

JENNY Oh yeah? What grade?

DANIEL’S BRAIN Please don’t think I’m a weirdo, or kid crazy…

DANIEL Kindergarten.

JENNY’S BRAIN Oh crap, he must really like kids. I wonder if he wants kids right away? I can’t have a kid right now. I’m still figuring out what I want in life. I’m so not ready for kids right now. Babies are so cute though…

JENNY You must really like kids.

DANIEL Yeah.

DANIEL’S BRAIN Pivot, pivot!

DANIEL I’m really glad that Micah set us up, I don’t go out too much.

JENNY Micah is the best, isn’t he?

DANIEL Yeah, he’s a great guy. Funny.

JENNY So funny!

JENNY’S BRAIN This date is going nowhere fast. We haven’t even ordered and we’re out of things to talk about. I haven’t had sex in six months though. How do I let him know I’ll sleep with him without him thinking I’m a total slut?

DANIEL’S BRAIN Think of a topic… Damn her lips are beautiful. What do they feel like? Focus! Focus! Say something, anything!

DANIEL Want to see a picture of my dog?

DANIEL’S BRAIN Please be a dog person, please be a dog person…

JENNY You have a dog?

DANIEL’S BRAIN Please be a dog person.

DANIEL pulls out his phone and shows JENNY a picture of his dog.

DANIEL His name is Goose.

JENNY Oh my God, what a cutie! I love dogs.

DANIEL’S BRAIN Yes!

JENNY Did you name him after Goose from Top Gun?

DANIEL’S BRAIN Hell yes!

DANIEL Yeah, it’s my favorite movie.

JENNY I love that movie. I’m always ashamed to admit it though.

JENNY’S BRAIN Don’t insult his favorite movie!

DANIEL There’s nothing wrong with Top Gun. Like it with pride!

JENNY I’ll work on that… How old is Goose?

DANIEL He’s three. He’s great, a total goof ball, but what else can you expect? He loves running around dog beach-

JENNY (Interrupting) You take him to dog beach? I used to go there all the time with my dog.

DANIEL You have a dog?

JENNY Had, she died a few years ago, I’d had her since I was a teenager.

DANIEL’S BRAIN No more questions about the dead dog!

JENNY’S BRAIN I miss my puppy. Maybe I should get a new dog, no they’re so much responsibility, I just can’t do that right now… Look at his hands, they’re so strong… And those arms, can we skip dinner please? Pay attention now, sex is on the line.

DANIEL Yeah, I take him out every Saturday morning.

JENNY’S BRAIN That’s tomorrow! Say it, say it!

JENNY Tomorrow?

DANIEL Yeah, I guess tomorrow is Saturday.

JENNY Maybe I could come with you?

JENNY’S BRAIN Oh, no he’s going to think I’m clingy and crazy. I just want to sleep with you, that’s all this is, I promise!

DANIEL Sure, that’d be fun, we could meet there…

DANIEL’S BRAIN Or go there together after a beautiful night of fucking.

JENNY Or we could go there together… If you wanted.

DANIEL’S BRAIN Did she just say that?

JENNY I’m not too hungry, are you?

DANIEL’S BRAIN I hate food!

DANIEL I’m not hungry at all. I live right next to bart, should we…

DANIEL’S BRAIN Please say yes, please say yes….

JENNY I have a car, let’s drive.

JENNY’S BRAIN I can’t believe I’m actually doing this! We haven’t even had dinner yet, I don’t even know his last name! But look at those eyes. Ooooh.

DANIEL’S BRAIN She owns a car! She’s a Goddess!

JENNY and DANIEL rise.

JENNY Shall we?

DANIEL Abso-fucking-lutely.

DANIEL’S BRAIN Stop saying stupid shit.

DANIEL takes out a few bucks and throws is on the table.

JENNY’S BRAIN What a gentleman!

As JENNY moves to exit, DANIEL kisses her.

DANIEL’S BRAIN Oh, she’s so soft. Don’t grab her ass yet, keep is classy, we’re still in public. Keep those hands up. Damn she’s a good kisser.

JENNY’S BRAIN Wow, go easy with the tongue there, fella’…. That’s better.

End of play.