Rachel Bublitz

Writer

Day 8, Play 16

I’ve been thinking of this play “God Damn Pandas” for nearly a year. Today, with nothing to lose, I wrote it out. It was my third play today, trying to push through to get closer to the end! 31 is a lot of plays. But I’m really enjoying myself. It’s great to write without worrying if there’s anything that I can do with it, or if the idea will even work. I just have to write because I have to write. Keep on pushing fellow 31 Plays/31 Days peeps!

God Damn Pandas, a short play

By Rachel Bublitz

We are at a zoo. Specifically where the giraffe and lion enclosers meet. LION is on stage, in her encloser. GIRAFFE enters, and stays in his encloser.

GIRAFFE Good morning.

LION Says you. The damn howler monkeys kept me up half the night.

GIRAFFE They were awfully noisy last night.

LION You’re telling me! It’s fucking ridiculous. Every damn night it’s like a rave over there.

GIRAFFE They’re very social creatures.

LION Social creatures my ass. They just better hope that we never come face to face… I’d love to chomp them to pieces.

GIRAFFE Ha ha ha.

LION How about you? Sleep well?

GIRAFFE Well, okay, considering…

LION Those damn monkeys! I’m telling you they’re almost as bad as those good for nothing pandas!

GIRAFFE Oh those pandas.

LION Don’t even get me started on the pandas.

GIRAFFE So you didn’t hear the news?

ZOO ANNOUNCER (OFF STAGE) Good morning zoo patrons! Welcome! The doors are officially open. Be sure and swing by the panda exhibit early to avoid the crowds. For maps and show schedule please visit the information center located at the entrance. Enjoy your day!

LION Did you hear that? Visit the pandas early? Always the damn pandas! Always! Why don’t they advise anyone to visit the lions early? Huh? Or the giraffes. It’s just so… ROAR!

GIRAFFE Maybe I shouldn’t tell you.

LION Tell me what?

GIRAFFE The news…

LION What news?? Are we getting a new animal? I could use a mate.

GIRAFFE Well, it’s about the pandas.

LION Pandas? PANDAS? Are you shitting me? Oh, hold up… People.

LION and GIRAFFE start behaving like the prospective animals that they are (eating leaves, stretching, etc).

GIRAFFE We’re good.

LION Now what’s going on? They’re not getting rid of them, are they? If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times. They take up way too much of the zoos resources. It’s not fair to the other animals! And plus, I mean all the attention…. It’s like they’re all the people want to see. Are they getting rid of the pandas?

GIRAFFE No.

LION Then what is it?

GIRAFFE People.

LION Huh?

GIRAFFE People, look.

LION and GIRAFFE start behaving like the prospective animals that they are (eating leaves, stretching, etc).

LION They’re gone, now spill the beans!

GIRAFFE I don’t know.

LION What do you mean you don’t know?

GIRAFFE It’s just going to upset you. You make me so nervous when you’re angry… The roaring and all.

LION I can’t help what I am. But we’re friends, right?

GIRAFFE I suppose.

LION We’ve come to a neighborly appreciation of one another. I have so much respect for you.

GIRAFFE Right, but…

LION Look you leaf eater, I won’t hurt you. I can’t. I… Have you noticed the four feet of cement between us? Damn it, more people.

LION and GIRAFFE start behaving like the prospective animals that they are (eating leaves, stretching, etc).

GIRAFFE Okay, here’s the deal. They want a panda baby, they want a baby and they want one bad. They’re going to order two male pandas from China, and triple the size of the encloser.

LION WHAT? TWO MALE PANDAS? TWO?

GIRAFFE You’re making me nervous.

LION ROARRRRRR! ROARRRR! Oh, I’m so God damn… ROAR! Those good for nothing pandas. What is it about them? They choke on their food like half the time! Two males? Two? I’ve gone four years without another lion here! It’s lonely! And that panda bitch gets TWO MATES?

GIRAFFE I guess that pandas are very… Particular.

LION Not that anyone knows, she won’t talk to any of us. The lesser animals.

GIRAFFE She only speaks Chinese!

LION She’s been at the zoo for over five years, she could try and learn English. Did you hear about the look she gave Peacock the other day? Ostrich saw the whole thing. All you hear is all this pre-Madona crap. I… Two mates. Well, thanks for telling me, sorry for the… I have a hard time, you know, reigning in the “lion within” at times.

GIRAFFE I understand. It makes me grumpy too.

LION That’s kinda cute.

GIRAFFE What?

LION I’ve never seen you upset before. Not that different.

GIRAFFE You know… Leaf eaters don’t need all the aggression.

LION Tell that to those crazy fucking zebras!

GIRAFFE That’s for sure… Zebras.

LION More people coming! Well, I’m going to go lounge on the other rock, try and scare the piss out of those fucking howler monkeys. Keep it real!

GIRAFFE Yeah, you too.

LION You know I will! I still can’t believe it. Triple of the space and two mates. What I wouldn’t give….

LION and GIRAFFE start behaving like the prospective animals that they are (eating leaves, stretching, etc). End of play.