Shoot me. Shoot me right in the face. Please? Fine. I just finished writing my 20th play. Oy vey. I’m having a hard time coming up with names for my characters. The other thing I’ve realized is that I write a lot about either sex or death, and sometimes both sex and death. Really trying to push myself to write anything else at this point. Here’s a quirky monologue about a woman (Phoebe, good name, huh?) breaking up… You’ll have to read it to discover who is on the other side. Enjoy!
It’s Not You, It’s Me; a monologue
By Rachel Bublitz
It’s over. Me and you, I just can’t do it anymore. You’re driving me crazy, when we’re home together all you do is complain. It’s just too much I can’t handle it anymore… Yes I love you, how can you even ask me that?… No, this isn’t about the other night. I told you that I wasn’t upset. I was glad that you went out with your friends, you should have fun… I promise. I… You don’t like my kids! I mean when we started out it was just me, I have a family now and you constantly try and keep yourself out of that as much as possible. I can’t live with that, it’s stressful. They care for you so much, and to see their disappointment again and again…. No I haven’t decided to replace you, I’m not that cruel. Well… I’ve thought about it, not for younger, don’t jump to conclusions. Just someone more compatible. Someone willing to put in the effort. Right now I just need time and space and… I need to spend some time alone. I thought this was for life too. This hurts me, this is tearing me up inside, I see how unfair I’m being to you. I just have to put my family and my sanity first. You just… You don’t fit in my world anymore. I wish that you did. We had good times together. You were… You were all that I had, all that I needed for so long. It’s going to be better for you, this change. Don’t give me that look, you’ll see. I found someone else for you… I don’t care if that’s normal or not, it was the right thing to do! She is a little older…. Well all the young ones are out partying! They’re not ready for you, for the responsibility. You’ll be happier with her. I know you will. Her… Well, she just lost someone about six months ago and she’s been so lonely. It’s really perfect the way it worked out. Kismet. I need you to get into the box now. Yes I packed your nippy mouse and the laser. All your things, they’re all packed up and ready. Oh, Mr. Catpants, I’m going to miss you so much! I just… It’s for the best, it really is… Mr. Catpants, I… I can’t promise that. No. We might get a dog, kids love dogs I’m sorry. I don’t want to lie to you. I respect you too much for that. I can say that a dog will never replace the feelings I have for you in my heart. I will always love you, Mr. Catpants. You’re my first pet! Time to get in the box. Please don’t piss in the car on the way over. You’ve got much more class than that.
End of play.