This year, part of my strategy for writing 31 plays, is to use themes that come up often, like winter holiday plays, or spooky plays, or plays in a bar! Yes, I’m hoping very much that San Francisco Theater Pub has Pint Sized again next year, because I already have my play ready for them!
Here’s play #14 in the 31 Plays in 31 Days challenge:
My Night With A Hooker, a ten-minute play by Rachel Bublitz
Fred, m, 25 – 40, any race.
Lola, f, 25 – 40, any race.
A bar in San Francisco
FRED sits at a bar. LOLA enters and finds a seat at a table. FRED immediately sees LOLA, and tries to look dashing.
FRED (To unseen bartender) Two beers!
Two beers appear in front of FRED. FRED takes the beers and sits next to LOLA. FRED (CONTINUED) I think this belongs to you.
FRED hands LOLA a beer.
LOLA Well aren’t you a smooth one.
FRED I try to be.
LOLA Thanks for the beer.
FRED My pleasure.
FRED (CONTINUED) So… What brings you in here?
LOLA The bar? To drink.
FRED Right! Good. Me too.
FRED (CONTINUED) I work around the corner from here. At a hotel…. Up at the front desk. You could say I’m a concierge… That’s actually exactly what I am, a concierge…. It’s nice, meet new people all the time. I mean, sometimes the customers are a-holes, but what are you gonna do, right?
LOLA drinks. FRED drinks.
FRED (CONTINUED) Mostly they’re not though… The customers… The people who stay at the hotel. Mostly they’re just, you know, people visiting…. Coming to San Francisco for the first time. “Hey man, do you know where Fisherman’s Wharf is?” I get asked that about 1,000 times a day, kinda drives me crazy, but what can you do about it, right? There’s nothing really…. I could get another job, I guess. I could… I don’t know what else I’d do…. I could work at Old Navy, but something tells me they get asked the same thing over there. And they probably don’t get paid so great…. Not that I make a ton of money, and not that I don’t make any money. I’m good. I make the perfect amount of money for me. Make enough to pay rent, and eat, and… And sometimes I buy a pretty lady a drink after work… So, that’s enough money for me.
FRED (CONTINUED) So… What do you do? Oh! I’m Fred by the way.
FRED holds out his hand to LOLA. LOLA shakes FRED’s hand.
FRED You look like a Lola.
FRED Trouble… Sexy, sexy trouble.
FRED Sorry, that sounded creepy. You’re very pretty. Like, super model pretty. Like, prettiest girl I ever laid eyes on pretty. I mean, you are flat our beautiful, did you know that?
LOLA Thank you.
FRED So, Lola, what do you do?
LOLA I’m a prostitute.
FRED spits out his drink. FRED laughs.
FRED I’m sorry, did I get any of that on you? You had me for a second. Seriously though, what do you do?
LOLA I get paid to suck men’s dicks.
FRED Are you… Are youserious?
LOLA Sometimes other stuff too, but yeah, mostly blow jobs.
LOLA I guess most women out there don’t like it, so when men are out here on business, or just here in general… Well they pay a high premium for it. Especially because I’ll all girl. Lots of trannies in this town. And well, don’t get me wrong, there is a large market for that. But there is something to be said about the real deal. And I’m very good.
FRED Oh yeah?
LOLA Very good.
FRED So… Um… If you don’t mind me asking… Not because I want to pay… Not that I wouldn’t, not that I would… I’m just… I’m just curious about how much… I don’t know if this is an okay question to ask.
LOLA You want to know how much I charge?
FRED Well, yeah… Not for any reason… I’m just curious.
LOLA $1,000 an hour.
FRED spits his drink out.
FRED Holy moly! Oh, I’m sorry, I spit in your face again! Wowzers though. $1,000 an hour! Do they… Does it take that long?
LOLA Not usually with my tricks, but one grand is my minimum.
FRED Okay, I have another question for you.
FRED Did… Were you abused or-
LOLA (Interrupting) I had a lovely childhood, with two lovely parents.
FRED I just don’t know why you’d… You know… For money, if that were the case.
LOLA Does it help that it’s a lot of money?
FRED Not really.
LOLA Well it is a lot of money, and plus, I love giving head, so there’s that.
FRED spits out his drink.
LOLA (CONTINUED) Just give me that.
LOLA takes FRED’s beer.
FRED Sorry, again… For the spitting. You just keep surprising me.
LOLA It’s fine, bodily fluids are a hazard of the trade.
FRED I guess they would be, yeah… Hold up, if you get paid all this money, and you look this hot… What are you doing here? I imagine you could be at one of those hoity-toity bars getting hit on by millionaires?
LOLA Do you like to hang out on the corner of Market and Powell giving directions to tourists when you’re done with work?
FRED Well… No.
LOLA Neither do I.
FRED (CONTINUED) So then… You’re just here to….
LOLA Drink. Meet new people, just like you, socialize and all that.
FRED I am new people. And, I am not a millionaire.
LOLA Well I know where Fisherman’s Wharf is.
FRED Ha. I bet you do…. I didn’t mean that like… I just meant, you live here, so… So, yeah, obviously, you’d know where it is. San Francisco 101 really, not because you’re a prostitute. That’s not why I think you’d know-
LOLA (Interrupting) I got it.
FRED Think I could get my beer back?
LOLA Promise not to spit it on me again?
FRED Well… I can’t promise that. I’ll try not to though.
LOLA hands FRED his beer. FRED drinks.
LOLA Safe to talk?
FRED It’s down the hatch.
LOLA I think you’re sexy.
FRED Shut the front door! Are you serious? You are so lucky that I swallowed!
FRED (CONTINUED) What?
LOLA Nothing, industry joke.
LOLA But it’s true, you’re a good looking man.
FRED drinks, swallows.
FRED Thank you.
LOLA You have a girlfriend?
FRED No. No, not right now, I do not have a girlfriend. I had a girlfriend, but that was before, and right now, at this moment there is no girlfriend in my life.
LOLA Good to know.
FRED And, you?
LOLA I don’t have a girlfriend, I usually don’t go for girls. I mean, I do when there’s money involved but-
FRED (Interrupting) Do you have a boyfriend?
FRED That’s crazy! I mean, sure you’re a… But you’re so… You’re a knock out! And plus you love doing the whole oral sex thing, so I just though, I expected-
LOLA (Interrupting) The boyfriend thing doesn’t really fit into my lifestyle.
LOLA That surprises you?
FRED I guess not…. So not ever?
FRED Don’t you get lonely?
LOLA Why do you think I’m here?
FRED Oh… Ooooohhhhh, so you’re thinking of…
LOLA Picking up some man candy and using him for a night of torrid sex.
LOLA (CONTINUED) That one was on me, I should have waited until the coast was clear.
FRED So you’re-
LOLA (Interrupting) Picking you up? Yes.
FRED drinks. LOLA drinks. FRED drinks.
FRED For a night of… Sex?
LOLA Torrid sex.
FRED drinks, swallows.
FRED That sounds pretty awesome.
LOLA You have no idea. Come one, drink up so we can get out of here.
LOLA drinks, finishes HER beer and stands.
FRED I don’t think I can.
LOLA You don’t want me?
FRED It’s not that. I do. I want you in a way that makes my body hurt.
LOLA So then what’s going on?
FRED I think I really like you. More than just the night of torrid sex type of way.
LOLA I don’t do boyfriends.
FRED I know.
LOLA I could have picked any of the guys in here. They’d have jumped on me in a snap.
FRED I know.
LOLA Are you going to try and convert me now? Try to get me to hang up my boots and start working at Old Navy?
FRED I don’t think so. But, maybe?
LOLA You’re going to regret this in the morning.
FRED Are you kidding me? I’m regretting this now.
LOLA This is your last shot, you coming or what?
FRED Sorry… No. But maybe you could stay? I’d love to stay and chat some more! Or I could take you out for dinner or-
FRED (CONTINUED) Or you could just go find some other guy who isn’t as stupid as me. Yes. Good choice. Good choice indeed.
FRED drinks. LOLA enters, goes to FRED.
LOLA (CONTINUED) Come on, let’s go find some place to eat.
FRED puts down his beer, THEY exit. End of play.