I’m taking a short play workshop class with Peter Nachtrieb! Our first assignment was to write three 1 – 3 minute plays. This was my favorite of the three. But now I want to write nothing but plays for these two characters. Probably not the best career move, but they’re basically the best. Keep reading and you’ll see why…

Fanny Pack a short play by Rachel Bublitz

FURIA and PERDITA – both extremely ugly and old females – lounge in chairs around a table, blood covering their faces and dribbling down their front. The table itself is covered in blood and bits of guts/bones. A fanny pack sits in the center of the table, on the floor around them are other pieces of clothing.

PERDITA We ought to think about cooking one. Might be a nice change.

FURIA That’d take forever.

PERDITA Not if we cut ‘em up all tiny-like… Add some salt and spice.

FURIA I like ‘em kickin’. Otherwise what’s the point? Otherwise we might as well be havin’ a stinkin’ burger.

PERDITA Yeah… That’s right…. I’m just good and thick, that’s all I am….

FURIA … Hey, cheer up no Perdy! (Taking the fanny pack off the table and strapping it on HER head) Lookie-here, lookie-at-me, with my fancy bag, just walking ‘round like I was King o’ Everything!

PERDITA laughs.

PERDITA Me next!

FURIA tosses the fanny pack to PERDITA, SHE puts it on.

PERDITA (CONTINUED) Oh yeah – and lookie-lookie I don’t think no one’s gonna eat me!

FURIA and PERDITA erupt with laughter. It takes THEM a while to recover.

FURIA Oh now…. That’s good… Oh yeah.

Perdita throws the fanny pack across the room.

PERDITA All this laughin’s got me hungry again!

FURIA I’d go for another.

PERDITA Thinkin’ mallet or ax?

FURIA Oh, the mallet. Yes. Makes the meat so nice ‘n tender.

End of play.