One of the plays I submitted today is called “Garbage Disposal.” It made me chuckle. If you’d like to read it, here it is:

Garbage Disposal, a ten minute play

By Rachel Bublitz

BOYFRIEND is on stage. He is doing the dishes.

BOYFRIEND Hey! I need some help in here!

GIRLFRIEND enters.

GIRLFRIEND What’s up?

BOYFRIEND Can you check the garbage disposal for me?

GIRLFRIEND Can’t you just do it?

BOYFRIEND My hands are too big, you know that.

GIRLFRIEND Have you ever tried?

BOYFRIEND Of course I’ve tried.

GIRLFRIEND No, like really gotten in there and forced your hand in?

BOYFRIEND I’m not going to jam my hand in there, what if I can’t get it out?

GIRLFRIEND I hate the garbage disposal.

BOYFRIEND I know.

GIRLFRIEND I’m afraid of the garbage disposal.

BOYFRIEND I know.

GIRLFRIEND Why do you make me do it?

BOYFRIEND So we don’t destroy our sink! It’s not on, and it’s not going to turn on. I promise. That only happens in movies, bad, awful, stupid movies.

GIRLFRIEND See! You admitted that it happens!

BOYFRIEND The movies aren’t real, so that doesn’t count.

GIRLFRIEND Why didn’t you use the thing that catches all the junk? I always use that so I don’t have to bother with the garbage disposal.

BOYFRIEND That thing is disgusting, no way I’m touching that.

GIRLFRIEND But-

BOYFRIEND (Interrupting) If you want me to help with house stuff, I’m going to do it my way. Otherwise I won’t help.

GIRLFRIEND I made dinner! It’s not helping, it’s fair. It’s what is expected. I cooked, so you clean. That’s how things are done.

BOYFRIEND (Softly) Not in my family.

GIRLFRIEND What did you just say?

BOYFRIEND Forget it. Just check the stupid disposal so we can sit down and watch TV.

GIRLFRIEND You were comparing me to your mother again, weren’t you? How many times do I have to tell you I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER.

BOYFRIEND I said forget it.

GIRLFRIEND She wasted her life away taking care of your dad. You even said so yourself!

BOYFRIEND I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have said it.

GIRLFRIEND You’re damn right you shouldn’t have said it.

BOYFRIEND I just don’t know how to live in a world in which I have to constantly censor myself. This is my home, I should be free to say whatever I want.

GIRLFRIEND What world are you from in which you don’t have to censor yourself?

BOYFRIEND Out there it’s fine, it’s expected. But not in here, not with you. I thought I was free to speak my mind. I thought our relationship was open and honest above all things. Isn’t that what you said you wanted?

GIRLFRIEND It is, but-

BOYFRIEND (Interrupting) We’re going to be married soon. We’ve got to work all this out now, this is serious.

GIRLFRIEND Okay, so you think we should express everything we’re feeling?

BOYFRIEND Absolutely.

GIRLFRIEND Awesome. I think you should get a better job. One that pays more.

BOYFRIEND Come on, you can’t-

GIRLFRIEND (Interrupting) What it’s okay for you but not me? I pay all the bills around here. And do most of the house work. That’s not fair.

BOYFRIEND I’ll make up for it one day.

GIRLFRIEND That’s what you say. But right now you work around the clock for nothing.

BOYFRIEND I’m working my way up.

GIRLFRIEND You’re a God damn intern.

BOYFRIEND How did this happen? We were just having dinner, and I was… I volunteered to do the dishes!

GIRLFRIEND You should, I cooked, what do you want a fucking medal?

BOYFRIEND No, I’m just… Shit! How did this happen? I was just… The garbage disposal! Can you check the disposal for me so that I can finish cleaning the kitchen please?

GIRLFRIEND No.

BOYFRIEND My hands don’t fit.

GIRLFRIEND Than use the catcher thingie.

BOYFRIEND When I do the dishes, I do them my way!

GIRLFRIEND Than check it yourself.

GIRLFRIEND moves to exit.

BOYFRIEND Wait.

GIRLFRIEND I’m not checking it.

BOYFRIEND You’re an adult. Use the excellent deductive skills in your possession. Has a garbage disposal ever turned on while your hand was in it.

GIRLFRIEND No, but-

BOYFRIEND (Interrupting) Can’t we than deduce that it won’t now, or ever happen?

Pause.

GIRLFRIEND Your hands aren’t that big.

BOYFRIEND What?

GIRLFRIEND Your hands. I bet your hand would fit.

BOYFRIEND It doesn’t.

GIRLFRIEND Show me.

BOYFRIEND What?

GIRLFRIEND Show me. Try and stick your hand in.

BOYFRIEND Now you’re just being childish.

GIRLFRIEND I’ll check it if you show me that your hand won’t fit.

Pause.

BOYFRIEND I’m afraid.

GIRLFRIEND Afraid of what?

BOYFRIEND The garbage disposal, okay? I’m afraid it’ll turn on when my hand is inside.

GIRLFRIEND Ha! This is great! Are you serious? You’re afraid after all the shit you’ve given me?

BOYFRIEND Look, you get jumpy, I get sick. I’m actually terrified, alright? It’s not like when you’re a kid and you make up weird shit hoping someone will pay attention. I get all sweaty just thinking about it. My stomach goes cold. My heart pounds. I’m beyond scared of the damn garbage disposal. So, go ahead. Have your giggles at my expense. I’m going to bed.

BOYFRIEND moves to exit.

GIRLFRIEND Babe, wait up.

GIRLFRIEND sticks her hand in the garbage disposal, removes a spoon.

GIRLFRIEND (CONTINUED) You were right. There was a spoon. See?

BOYFRIEND Great.

GIRLFRIEND Should I run it?

BOYFRIEND Knock yourself out.

GIRLFRIEND flips a switch. We hear the noise of a garbage disposal, both GIRLFRIEND and BOYFRIEND are physically uncomfortable. GIRLFRIEND flips the switch again.

GIRLFRIEND Not so bad.

BOYFRIEND If you say so.

Pause.

GIRLFRIEND Thanks for doing the dishes.

Pause.

BOYFRIEND It was the least I could do. Dinner was good.

GIRLFRIEND I love you.

BOYFRIEND I love you.

GIRLFRIEND We’re going to figure all of this stuff out, you know that right?

BOYFRIEND I hope we do. I really hope we do.

End of play.

Last night I laughed my butt of at ACT’s Costume Shop seeing PROJECT LOHAN by D’Arcy Drollinger. The show is incredibly funny, and I loved that except for D’Arcy Drollinger, each actor had about ten different roles to play. The actors were phenominal at this. PROJECT LOHAN starred Michael Patrick Gaffney, Cindy Goldfield, Sara Moore, Allegra Rose Edwards, Elizabeth Irene Anderson, and D’Arcy Drollinger. It was directed by Tracy Ward. The staging was also outstanding. The script, was compiled from interviews, tabloid stories, and footage of Lindsay Lohan, and that was also really well done. There did come a point where it got tremendously repetitive, she gets in a car accident, her father sells an embarrassing tape, rehab, repeat. But, for me, it was as funny as it was sad. After all, this is a life we’re laughing at. And there came a point, only made stronger by the words of her awful, disgusting, parents, when I stopped laughing and started to feel sorry for this girl. She’s a complete mess, and I don’t think anyone has ever given her tools to not be. And that’s sad to me. Also watching the play I couldn’t help but wonder when we’d hear about her passing away, probably in a drug related incident. Would her parent’s still find ways to profit from her death? Unfortunately yes, I think they would.

To sum up, it’s funny until it’s tragically sad. It makes me hope with complete sincerity that that woman figures her shit out and gets her life together.

Being out late last night AND coming home and writing play #9, I have been having a very sleepy Monday. It doesn’t help that my boy is super grumpy and I had to go to Costso today. But I wrote a play that I’m super excited about. It might just be the first non-comedic play I’ve ever written! At least I hope it is. I’ve tried in the past, and usually it comes out funny, but I think that I got it today. We’ll see I guess. It’s a one act, 12 pages, but with a lot of monologues so it would probably run closer to 15 or 20 minutes. It’s about forbidden love, one of my favorite topics. I’m thinking I might break up the four scenes to book end the two acts of “Things We Can’t Say Out Loud” but we’ll have to see where it’ll actually fit. I think my favorite aspect of 31 Plays in 31 Days is that I’m trying out styles of plays that I never have before. I’ve written a few monologues (never done that before), experimenting with voice (never done that before), and playing around with form (new to me too!). Remember, I’ve only been writing plays for a year, there’s a lot I need to learn! I’m happy to have this month to flex some writing muscles and try out new things (at least new to me!). Email me if you’re interested in reading todays script. It’s called “Lily And Eric Are Monsters.”

I’m thrilled to announce that my ten minute play “MY BODY” will be included in Playwrights Center of San Francisco’s Repro Rights! A night of staged readings of short plays about the politics involved with our lady parts. It’ll be at Brava! in San Francisco on Monday, October 22, 2012 at 7:30 pm. Here’s the full line up:

My Body, by Rachel Bublitz

Prisoner of Love, by Dana Sack

Lunch at the Cafe Ova, by Margy Kahn

Snip Snip, by Ignacio Zulueta

A Cry in Ramah, by Jeremy Cole

Factory Farm: A Documentary, by Jennifer Lynne Roberts

It’s Good to Know, by Megan Cohen

Make sure to save the date, this is going to be an evening of theatre NOT TO BE MISSED! I’m thrilled to be involved. OH, and there’s a dramaturg working on the project, Christine Young. And the lovely and ever-so-busy Tracy Held Potter is producing!

Just finished my play for today “Woman With The Cats.” When I started it, I was thinking it’d be a fun piece to submit for All Terrain Theater’s show coming up this April, Women in Solidarity with Cats, but it took a strange turn, and I don’t know anymore. Curious? Read on, but know that I didn’t check for typos and that it’s probably disturbing.

Woman With The Cats, a monologue

By Rachel Bublitz

FALINE is on stage.

FALINE

My name means “like a cat.” I have eight cats. Don’t even ask me how that happened. I just blinked one day and I was the cat lady. A friend had given me a kitten for a birthday one year, I named him Gilbert. I know, not very clever, my naming skills have improved exponentially since than. And for years it was just the two of us, Gilbert and me. Then I was walking home from work and I heard this heart wrenching noise, for some reason I followed it, and I came upon a boy. He was sitting in an alley with a stray cat and it’s kittens. There were three kittens, he’d killed one of them already, he was working on number two when I showed up. He was… God, he couldn’t have been older than nine years old, I will never understand why he… That doesn’t matter, that’s how I got cat’s two and three. I called the police, when they came they told me that the cats would most likely be euthanized. I tried to hold on to the momma cat, but she was two wild didn’t last long. (Pause) I’m getting to that, but you have to understand. I can’t just start where you want me to start, that’s not where it began. All of this started with my cats. My eight cats. If I don’t go back all the way you’ll just write me off as some lunatic cat lady, that’s not me. Yes I have a lot of cats. (Pause) I don’t know, what would you consider an appropriate amount of cats to have? And why is it your business how many cats I have? Why does the police have a say? (Pause) It’s unfortunate that he’s dead, I don’t know if I’d say I was sorry. Do you know what he did? Do you? He was luring cats to his yard and killing them. (Pause) Evidence? Go to his house and look around yourself. I never stepped foot in his house, for the record. (Pause) You don’t believe me, do you? I’ve never killed anyone, it’s not in me. I didn’t even hit that boy who I caught killing kittens. I took the animals away from him, restrained him, and called the police. (Pause) Check that out all you want. I didn’t kill anybody. (Pause) That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! It’s the cats! I’ve… Well, look, this wasn’t intentional. I wasn’t trying to teach them to kill people, I just wanted them to know how to defend themselves. They have the right to live, just like any of us. And there are people out there, sick people who just like to hurt things for the fun of it. I didn’t think that they’d gang up on someone like that. I didn’t know. I swear, I have no idea. I didn’t even mean to have so many cats! I was telling you, or trying to tell you. I’d been given Gilbert, then I rescued Bob and Scratchy… A friend of mine moved across the country and couldn’t take his cat, so I took him in, Velcro… Then there’s (Pause) Yes I think it is important that you know where they all come from. Because I didn’t try to get any of my cats. They came to me! And yes, I had a lot… Last year… It was last year that he, the deceased, moved in to my block. Six weeks after that I opened my front door to find Gilbert dead on my welcome rug. It was him. Why didn’t anyone investigate Gilbert’s death? I called you, the police, the ones who serve and protect. No one cared. You filed away some report and went back to your real crime. I had to protect my family, my children. I don’t care how it sounds, I love them like they were my children and you didn’t protect them! I just worked out a few tricks with them… And slowly it became… It was self defence, what they did. I am confidant that they wouldn’t have attacked unprovoked. If you ask me, he got what he had coming to him. (Pause) What do you mean that’s it? No, wait, you think I’m crazy! You have to let me tell it all to you again, you have to understand. This isn’t my fault, it’s not their faults. They have the right to protect themselves. (Pause) What will happen to them while we work this out? (Pause) No! You can’t do that! (Pause) I don’t care what your policy is, I want a lawyer, I want a lawyer! Help, help me! Don’t kill my babies, nooooooooooo!

I had a great time last night at VAMP for Barbara Jwanouskos’s new play “It’s All In The Mix”. I was engaged and laughed heartily. I though act one was especially well written. I also was impressed with all three actors, especially Courtney Nicholson who played June. There are three more performances for you to see the show, August 9th at 8pm, August 10th at 8pm, and August 11th at 8pm. Buy your tickets here.

Tonight I’m going to see “Project Lohan” in San Francisco, I’ve heard that it’s a laugh riot so I am excited.

Here’s a pic of me and Tracy Held Potter from the show last night:

So excited for tonight! Tonight I’m seeing a new play by Barbara Jwanouskos called “It’s All In The Mix” (click title for FB event). My husband and I are celebrating our SEVEN year anniversary tonight, and since he was as excited as I was about this play (a bit of a Christmas miracle really) it made perfect sense for evening tonight (plus we’re cheap skates who can afford only so much babysitting). The play is a part of All Terrain Theater’s 2012 season. Click here for tickets. In addition to tonight performance at 8pm, there’s also shows next Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night also at 8pm. The show is at the record store called VAMP in Oakland.

I just submitted my seventh play today. It would be another installment of the full length I’m now working on “Things We Can’t Say Out Loud.” I’ve actually had this play in the back of my mind for a long time and just banged it out today because I had to write something! That’s the beauty of the 31 Plays in 31 Days Project you just have to do it. I have 24 more plays left to write. Wish me luck!

Yesterday my fellow co-founder of 31 Play/31 Days Tracy posted this awesome blog about how you could still develop a full length within the confines of our challenge (that can be found here). It really got me thinking. I wrote a short play a few months back called “Nap Time” and I decided to add on to it… I’m going to try and write some other plays in the same vein and piece them together. I think I’ll call it “Things We Can’t Say Out Loud” and I am SUPER excited about it. As you can guess from the title it’s about the things that we can’t say to one another. My forth play for the challenge that I just got in (hell yes!) is called “Horny Like The Wolf.” It’s a bit too lewd to post here, but I’ll email it out if anyone is curious about reading it. It’s a beautiful thing to be a part of this artist community all pumping out new work. It is inspiring. Thank you to all of you out there who are participating. You’re making this awfully fun!

That’s right… I’m on play three. I wrote two plays yesterday (and I’m not sharing one of them!). I’m trying to do two a day so that I can have days off if I need them. Plus it would be nice to be done early so I can manage all the website stuff easier. Anyway, today my play is called “To Tuck Or Not To Tuck.” It’s an eight pager…

CLAIRE, BECKY, and DAPHNE next to one another in one row of an airplane. CLAIRE is in the middle seat, BECKY is on the aisle, and DAPHNE sits in the window seat.

CLAIRE Here we go.

BECKY I still can’t believe you’re doing this.

CLAIRE Just stop.

DAPHNE Seriously Becky, the plane has left the airport, there’s no turning back now.

BECKY Oh course there is! We can get to Thailand and she could not go through with it.

DAPHNE That’s ridiculous, after all the money we’ve spent on the trip?

BECKY We’d still get to spend two weeks in Thailand, how is that ridiculous?

DAPHNE No one just wants to go to Thailand.

BECKY I want to go to Thailand! We can relax on the beach, and there are thousands of temples to explore. She doesn’t have to-

CLAIRE (Interrupting) Stop it! I’m sitting right here guys, you don’t have to talk about me like I’m not in the here.

BECKY I’m sorry, I just… All of this, it’s a bad idea.

CLAIRE You’ve said that before.

BECKY It’s going to change your life.

DAPHNE Exactly. That’s exactly what it’s going to do, change her life for the better.

BECKY I thought you were stronger than this Claire…

DAPHNE That’s not fair!

BECKY What if something goes wrong?

DAPHNE Nothing is going to go wrong. They do this every day. My neighbor just got back from a procedure abroad, and had nothing but positive things to day.

BECKY Was the procedure in Thailand?

DAPHNE Well not, but-

BECKY (Interrupting) And have you even looked up the doctor? Do you know who’ll be preforming the surgery?

CLAIRE I did. I know it’s… It’s a woman, I remember that… I can’t think of her name right now, but I know it. She was very highly rated.

BECKY What’s her record?

DAPHNE What’s her record? Are you serious? They don’t keep count! Look, this is something they do each and every day. It’s nothing to worry about.

BECKY It’s surgery! Surgery is always a big deal. What if she gets an infection? Or worse? There are all of those flesh eating viruses popping up all over the place.

DAPHNE Claire, ignore her. Becky has clearly lost her mind.

BECKY Daphne, this stuff happens, things go wrong. Claire, do you really want to die because you just couldn’t live with the way your stomach looks? What would we tell your kids? “Sorry guys, mommy died because of an accident during optional surgery.”

DAPHNE She’s not going to die.

CLAIRE You haven’t had kids yet Becky, you have no idea how much your body changes. I gained over sixty pounds! It’s taken me years to get back in shape.

BECKY And I think that all of that is great, I really do. You look amazing. Why do you need to have the surgery at all? The body will fix itself eventually.

DAPHNE Have you seen her stomach? It looks like she’s wearing a sin apron. That’s not going to go back.

CLAIRE Thanks.

DAPHNE Sorry, it’s true.

CLAIRE It’s not that bad. I just… It’d be nice to not have tuck my stomach into my pants. I don’t need a six pack, or anything fancy… I just want to get rid of all that extra skin. And, hopefully have something that resembles a belly button again.

BECKY Why does it matter what your stomach looks like? Since when did your appearance become the center of your world?

CLAIRE It’s not the center of my world!

BECKY You’re sitting on a plane, flying half way around the world, paying God only knows how much money to have optional surgery.

CLAIRE Stop saying optional surgery. It’s called elective surgery.

DAPHNE Trust me Claire, you’ll feel so much better once all this is taken care of. I know I did. I was a better mom after.

BECKY A better mom? Seriously?

DAPHNE I was happier! I felt more comfortable in my body, I was more confidant, it was the best decision I ever made.

BECKY Do you think you still would have cheated on your husband if you hadn’t gotten plastic surgery?

CLAIRE Becky!

DAPHNE I can’t believe you’d throw that in my face. I told you that in confidence. That isn’t fair! How dare you-

BECKY (Interrupting) I’m sorry, I know that was harsh. But seriously, think about it. Would you have cheated if it wasn’t for the surgery? I don’t think you would have. Maybe feeling good about your body isn’t all it’s cracked up to be… That’s all I was trying to say.

Pause.

CLAIRE I’d never cheat.

DAPHNE I didn’t mean to! It just… Happened. I just felt so, sexy. I hadn’t felt sexy in ages and I didn’t think… I don’t know I didn’t think anyone was noticing me. I just put out the sexy vibes because I was feeling so good, it wasn’t until it was too late that… It had nothing to do with the surgery.

BECKY Would it surprise you to know that 4 out of every 5 married people who have plastic surgery cheat on their spouses after?

CLAIRE That can’t be right!

DAPHNE That’s not true, you made that up.

BECKY I did, but I’m sure the actual numbers aren’t far off. Nearly everyone I know who’s had worked done has also cheated.

DAPHNE Who else do you know that’s had work done?

BECKY Lots of people.

Pause.

CLAIRE Maybe this isn’t such a good idea.

DAPHNE No, it’s a great idea. Ignore her, she looks great because children haven’t gone threw and messed up her body. She doesn’t know what it feels like. And you won’t cheat. I know you.

CLAIRE But what if something does go wrong? What if I die all because of a stupid tummy tuck?

DAPHNE You’re not going to die!

BECKY And think of all the money you’ll be wasting! What if you have another baby, won’t that just put you back where you are now? I mean, are you totally sure that you’re not going to have anymore kids?

DAPHNE She doesn’t want any more kids.

Pause.

CLAIRE I don’t think I want anymore kids. But, what if I change my mind? Or what if Carl dies and my next husband wants kids… Or if Carl and I divorce… Or if my kids… What if something happens to one of them, or both of them! Would I not be able to have kids for fear I’d mess up my stomach again? What if this all is a big waste of time and money? Oh my God, we’re going to Thailand! What are we doing?

BECKY I’m not going to Thailand.

CLAIRE What do you mean?

BECKY You’re on this plane all alone.

CLAIRE Daphne?

DAPHNE I would never be able to take off for two weeks, the kids are too young.

CLAIRE How am I talking to you then?

DAPHNE You’re in your bed sleeping. Your plane leaves in the morning. Obviously you’re still unsure if you’re going to have the surgery.

BECKY Very unsure.

CLAIRE But if you’re not here… Should I do it?

BECKY No.

DAPHNE Yes.

CLAIRE You’re not being helpful.

DAPHNE Sorry, that’s not really my job. Now if you don’t mind, I need to catch up on my beauty sleep.

DAPHNE leans her head back and closes her eyes.

CLAIRE If you’re just a figment of my imagination, why do you need beauty sleep?

BECKY Who knows, it’s your imagination. I’ve got to go to the bathroom.

BECKY rises and exits.

CLAIRE What am I going to do? Should I go? Should I do it? It doesn’t make me a bad person does it? Does it? Anybody?

End of play.