Had to share this one… It’s incredibly formulaic, but I find it funny. I should say that it’s also 100% fictional. Any resemblance of real people or situations is pure coincidence. Enjoy!

How Terry Gross Destroyed My Life, a short play

By Rachel Bublitz

JILL and HELEN are on stage.

JILL I have news.

HELEN Good news?

JILL Very good news.

HELEN Are you sure the news is good Jill?

JILL Of course I’m sure. HELEN Because it might just be good news to you, I might think it’s crappy news.

JILL You’re going to shit your pants.

HELEN That sounds terrible.

JILL It’s going to be awesome.

HELEN I’ve never shit my pants out of joy.

JILL Forget about shit! Listen, I just got an email from….

HELEN Should I go and sit on the toilet?

JILL Just shut up! I just got an email from Terry fucking Gross.

HELEN Oh my God.

JILL I know.

HELEN No, I mean like… OH MY GOD!

JILL Terry fucking Gross!

HELEN Terry fucking Gross? Are you shitting me?

JILL I am not shitting you, see?

JILL pulls out her smart phone, opens the email and hands it to HELEN.

HELEN This is an email from Terry fucking Gross!

JILL I know, that’s what I’m telling you!

HELEN Oh my God!

JILL Did you shit your pants?

HELEN What? No! Stop that. Terry Gross wants us on her show.

JILL I told you, I fucking told you. We can’t just revolutionize the way people write poetry and get ignored.

HELEN I’m not sure we revolutionized anything.

JILL We inspired people. Over 1,000 people! We’ve changed things, we did something!

HELEN Terry Gross wants us to be on Fresh Air! Do we get to meet her? Do we fly to wherever she is? Is it on the phone?

JILL It’s just a small piece, it’ll be over the phone.

HELEN Still.

JILL I know!

Pause.

HELEN You did a damn good job.

JILL Well, thanks.

HELEN No seriously. I came to you with this silly little idea, and you made it a global phenomenon! Terry fucking Gross is going to interview us on Fresh Air.

JILL (Impersonating Terry Gross) Hi, I’m Terry Gross, this is Fresh Air!

HELEN Terry fucking Gross!

We hear a noise from JILL’s phone.

JILL It’s another email!

HELEN Open it!

JILL pulls out her smart phone and opens her email.

JILL The interview is set for two days from now.

HELEN Two days! Just two days? I need to prepare! Two days isn’t enough time! I can’t do two days.

JILL It’s Terry fucking Gross, you’ll do whatever day she asks of you. Besides, you’ll be great, you’ve got all the fancy talk to make you sound credible.

HELEN Okay, what else does it say?

JILL It’ll be over the phone… That’s a bummer, we won’t actually be meeting her, just a phone thing.

HELEN Jill, it’s Terry fucking Gross.

JILL Yeah, you’re right. Forget that.

HELEN You’re my best friend, you know that? I love you.

JILL I love you too.

HELEN No, like… I don’t think we have just one soul mate, I think we have like a couple, you know? I always thought of my dad as a soul mate, we had this incredible connection that… Anyway, it’s like kindred spirits. We have that. This project, writing a poem a day for a month, it would have been so flat and boring with out you. You spiced it all up, you brought in all the poets! You made all this happen and I am so glad that we got to do all of this together. Thank you for your hard work and support.

JILL That means a lot to me. I mean… Just you asking me to get involved with this incredible project, I was honored. You’re a visionary, you know that?

HELEN Come here!

JILL and HELEN hug.

JILL Okay, back to business.

JILL returns to reading the email on her phone.

HELEN Does it give a time? Do we have options? I mean, I’ll move shit around, it’s Terry fucking Gross after all….

Pause.

JILL Oh.

HELEN What’s up.

JILL Well… It’s a short spot, like I said.

HELEN Yeah, who cares? It’s national coverage! Anything is better than nothing.

JILL She only has time for one of us.

HELEN One?

JILL They want us to pick which one of us will… You know, get to talk to Terry Gross.

Pause.

HELEN Okay. So… I’m going to be honest here, because that’s what I know.

JILL Okay.

HELEN I should go.

JILL I should go!

HELEN I wasn’t done.

JILL Fine.

HELEN I should go, it was my idea.

JILL I gave it life! I gave it soul!

HELEN I give it credibility. Think about it, one of us has to get on national radio and get people jazzed about poetry. Who’s going to be better? Think of what’s best for the project.

JILL I am. I bring the fire! You’re all facts and figures and shit. I’m like the fucking mascot!

HELEN There’s a reason that they interview the coach and not the mascot at the end of a game.

JILL Okay, mascot was a bad choice. I should get the interview, I mean I set it up! I wrote the press release, I sent it out!

HELEN I corrected all of your spelling errors!

JILL I’m the one who passed out the flyers and spread the word! All you do it sit at home and write.

HELEN I’m shy!

JILL Then why do you want to get on the radio with Terry Gross?

HELEN It’s Terry Gross! It’s like… Like my biggest dream! My best fantasy always involves getting interviewed by Terry Gross.

JILL You fantasize about Terry Gross?

HELEN Interviewing me. That’s it.

JILL I don’t think you should do it, you have this weird love thing going on for her, we can’t scare her off.

HELEN You love her too!

JILL Of course I do, it’s Terry fucking Gross! Shit. What are we going to do? Flip a coin?

HELEN No coins! This was my idea! I get to go. Me! That’s it, we’re done.

JILL That’s not fair, I worked just as hard as you.

HELEN You didn’t even keep up with the challenge!

JILL That was low! I tried. I’m sorry I don’t write as fast as you.

HELEN You’d do a terrible job representing us.

JILL Than maybe I shouldn’t be a part of this, since I couldn’t keep up.

HELEN Maybe not.

JILL If that’s how you feel than fine!

JILL takes out her phone, opens the email and begins to type.

HELEN What are you writing?

JILL “Dear Terry, thanks for the offer. We’re going to pass. My partner, Helen thinks you’re an ass wipe.”

HELEN tries to get the phone from JILL.

HELEN Do not send that.

JILL You can’t stop me! You can’t do anything!

JILL gets out of HELEN’s reach.

HELEN Please! Don’t!

JILL hits the send button.

JILL Too late. And this is what I think of your stupid poetry.

JILL throws her phone as hard as she can on the floor, it breaks. Pause.

HELEN That was your phone.

JILL I was… I forgot, I was just so pissed. Whatever, I’ll get a new one. Not like I don’t have time for better things now anyway. When you see what an asshole you’ve been, don’t come begging to get me back. I’m done with you.

JILL exits.

HELEN Terry fucking Gross.

End of play.