Today I wrote plays 17 and 18. Play 17 was the first play that I thought I’d stick in a drawer and never look at again, but it inspired me to write this play, which I think with some fine tuning could be pretty funny. Remember… It’s a first draft!

Ain’t No Party Better Than A Princess Tea Party, a ten minute play

By Rachel Bublitz

The stage is set for an incredibly elaborate tea party. YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN is on stage. ARIEL, BELLE, and CINDERELLA join her. All four have tea cups.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN I can’t believe you’re really here.

CINDERELLA I never turn down a tea party.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN When I was a kid…. Let’s just say there’s a little girl inside me crying with joy.

BELLE That’s our main objective, making little girls cry… With joy, of course.

CINDERELLA Of course with joy.

Pause.

ARIEL The tea is nice. What kind is it?

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN Strawberry.

ARIEL Yum, strawberry.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN Anyone need anymore?

CINDERELLA I’m fine, thank you.

ARIEL I’m still working on my first cup.

Pause.

BELLE So… Is there a reason why you invited us here today?

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN There’s actually… We’re still waiting on a guest. I invited Snow White.

BELLE Snow White is coming? Interesting.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN Is interesting good?

BELLE At times.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you didn’t get along.

BELLE Don’t be silly, I’m a princess. I get along with everyone.

Pause. SNOW WHITE enters.

SNOW WHITE I know I’m late! So sorry!

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN You must be Snow White.

SNOW WHITE The one and only. Hey girls.

CINDERELLA Hi!

ARIEL Hey Snow White.

SNOW WHITE Hello Belle.

BELLE Oh, hey Snow White. So nice of you to show up.

SNOW WHITE Some of us have other social obligations, we can’t be everywhere all the time.

BELLE I have social obligations.

SNOW WHITE Sure, sure. (To YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN) Thank you, for having me in your home. I’ll take some tea, if you don’t mind.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN Of course!

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN pours tea into a tea cup and hands it to SNOW WHITE.

SNOW WHITE That’s more like it.

Pause.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN Okay, I might as well start. Some of you are probably wondering why I asked you here today. Okay, I’m just going to jump right into it. Well… This is hard for me to say, you guys… You’re my idols….

ARIEL That is just so sweet.

CINDERELLA Take all the time you need honey.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN You ruined my life?

CINDERELLA What? Me?

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN No, all of you. You stupid princesses. You completely ruined my life.

SNOW WHITE Do you know who you’re talking to?

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN Yes. The Disney princesses. The women that taught me that my life would be perfect once I found my one true love. The ones that taught me that no matter how lazy, or rude, or generic this man was, that he would love me and change for me and I would live happily ever after! Well that didn’t happen!

CINDERELLA Oh dear.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN I met someone. We fell in love… And he completely took advantage of me! He didn’t change or grow into a respectable man, he abused my kindness and left me when I couldn’t help him any longer. And it’s all because of you and your stupid fucking movies!

ARIEL Please stop swearing, it’s appropriate.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN That’s all you have to say for yourselves? I believed in you! I help you up on pedestals! You taught me the way of the world, or at least that’s what I thought you were teaching me… But that fairy tale world doesn’t exist! It’s a damn lie! (Pointing to ARIEL) You have to give up your family and way of life to be with the man you love. (To SNOW WHITE) You’re hunted like an animal because of your beauty and killed! It’s your beauty, and your beauty alone that saves you when your prince kisses your lips, your beauty is the only thing he cares for! You’re teaching girls that looks are all that matter! (To CINDERELLA) Same thing with you, all your prince cares about if your looks and dance moves, you call that a foundation for a healthy relationship? (To BELLE) And you! You say you want something more, but all you really want it to have a larger house with you beastly prince. All of your stories stop once you meet men. It’s like that’s the important part of your life, the journey it takes to find your husband. What happened before or after makes no difference as long as you get your happy ever after with a guy. What kind of role models are you setting out to be? How are girls supposed to see your stories and not walk away obsessed with wedding and finding a man to change and marry? How? How? Well? Answer me!

ARIEL Well…

CINDERELLA It’s…

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN Answer me!

BELLE We don’t owe you a thing.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN How can you say that? Do you know how many years I wasted on that creep because of the sentimental bull shit you brain washed me with?

BELLE You were a kid! Kids fall in love and get heart broken. With us or without us.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN I wouldn’t have stayed, I would have known better.

BELLE No you wouldn’t have. It doesn’t matter how much you see examples of relationships, you don’t understand them until you’re in one with a partner who puts in the effort to sustain said relationship. Look, I’m sorry you got hurt, I know how that feels.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN Like hell you do.

BELLE Oh, you know what happened after the Beast was transformed, do you? You’re an expert?

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN You live happily ever after.

BELLE Do you know how hard it is to sustain a marriage? We’re talking about a long hard, up hill battle. Both people are learning, growing, constantly becoming new people and if you want to stay together you constantly have to adjust and reevaluate or everything crumples around you. We’ve been in couples therapy on four different occasions.

SNOW WHITE laughs out loud.

SNOW WHITE (Fake coughs) Pathetic.

BELLE Like you can talk! Everyone knows about you and Doc!

SNOW WHITE Those rumors are ridiculous and disgusting!

CINDERELLA Oh, give it a rest.

ARIEL Seriously.

BELLE Sometimes even two people in open, loving relationships need help. It’s not like everything stands still after your wedding day. You have to work to make it work.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN Why didn’t you tell me that?

BELLE Oh please, you can’t put all of that on us.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN Why not?

BELLE Because there are other things in your life! You weren’t just shoved in a room with a TV, and our movies on rerun were you?

ARIEL That exists?

BELLE No it doesn’t exist. (To YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN) Right.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN No, I… But I idolized you. I knew the words to all of your movies. I worshiped you!

BELLE Then your parents, or parent, or caregiver did you a dis-service. I admit that there are problems with he messages in our movies, I get that… But you can’t blame us for all of your problems. Where were the positive female role models in your life? The real women?

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN I…

BELLE Teachers, neighbors, your mom…

SNOW WHITE If it’s anyone you should be disappointed with, it’s them.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN It is?

BELLE You’re going to get hurt. You’re going to fall down and make mistakes because this is life and life is messy. You can’t put all of your eggs in one basket, not our basket, or a man’s basket. You need to figure out what drives you, what gets your heart pumping.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN Well… I like to take pictures.

BELLE Great. Perfect. Do it. Get out there and do it all the time, eat it, sleep it, breathe it.

CINDERELLA I run marathons!

ARIEL I collect antiques!

BELLE Don’t worry about making money, well don’t worry about making money with taking pictures. Get a job that pays the bills and that gives you the flexibility to do what you love. And if you’re lucky, one day you won’t need that job any more. Forget about boys and men and all of that. You’ll be amazed that once you stop focusing on your love life, things will just click into place it’s own.

SNOW WHITE True story. I wasn’t looking for love! Hell, technically, I was dead! And boom, out of no where, Prince Charming!

BELLE And next time… When you meet someone… Don’t be so easy to give them your heart. Take your time. Don’t be so guarded that you never let anyone in, but don’t give your heart away like it isn’t worth anything. Got it?

Pause.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN I guess so. So… I can’t blame you for all of the things screwed up in my life?

BELLE Nope.

SNOW WHITE Sorry.

ARIEL Won’t help anything.

CINDERELLA Not at all.

BELLE You’ll be okay. You just have to learn to own your mistakes. Your mistakes are what makes you special, you’ll see. One day, you’ll see.

Pause.

SNOW WHITE Great, now that we’ve got that settled, can we please get to the finger sandwiches? I’m starving!

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN What? Oh yeah… Sure. Coming right up.

End of play.