For the past two weeks my plays have varied in length… I have some 4 page plays, and I think 20 pages is the longest. I’ve had a few one page monologues, but today I wrote and submitted my first one page play. It was harder than I thought going in. I wrote a much longer play and had to continue to chop it down, I had to say a lot with very little. I’m not sure how successful I was, but I liked the story a lot. I might just go back to this one after all of this is done and see where it takes me.

Flee, a one minute play

By Rachel Bublitz

MAN and WOMAN are on stage.

WOMAN I’m leaving you.

MAN Not tonight.

WOMAN I have to. I’m sorry, I never wanted to cause you pain.

MAN They’re here, the attack will be tonight.

WOMAN Tonight? I thought we had… Months! Or at least weeks! How did they mobilize so fast?

MAN You have to come with me. Now. You and the kids.

WOMAN I have never loved you.

MAN Do you want to survive the raid?

WOMAN Yes.

MAN Then none of that matters. I’ll meet you under the bridge in one hour. Pack extra water and bring the statue. It’s our only hope.

WOMAN I am going to leave you the first chance I get.

MAN You have one hour, go!

WOMAN exits. End of play.

I was selected to participate in Playwright’s Center of San Francisco’s 24 Play Festival! I should say that I did nothing to be selected, it was selection at random…. Doesn’t change the fact that I’m totally amped up for this!

Basically, on September 14th, I’ll be given a topic, and actors ay 8pm. I will have until 9am (I think) on the 15th to get the script to the director and actors. They will take it and put it up! There will be two shows on Saturday the 15th. One at 7:30pm and one at 10pm. It’s gonna be good. Ticket info will be posted when I have it, stay tuned!

So close! I’m inching closer each day. I’m hoping to wrap this up before I leave on my California road trip (leaving this Friday), we’ll see how many plays I can write while I avoid packing and actually preparing for that trip. I thought of today’s play while out for my run this morning.

We’re All Going To Die, a short play

By Rachel Bublitz

CARLY is on stage. She is making notes in her notebook, she stops, checks over her work and puts the notebook down.

CARLY Kim! Kim get in here!

KIM enters.

KIM What are you yelling about.

CARLY I’ve got it all written down, what I want. I just need to find out what you want and then I can talk to the lawyers.

KIM I told you I’m not doing it.

CARLY Why?

KIM It’s morbid.

CARLY It’s inevitable. I’m going to die.

KIM You’re not going to die.

CARLY Kim, you know that’s not true.

KIM You’re not sick. You’re young. You have a lifetime ahead of yourself.

CARLY Until I die.

KIM Carly, remember what your therapist told you. Give it a percentage. Think, how likely is it that I am going to die?

CARLY I have. It’s 100%.

KIM Come on.

CARLY I’m alive. Everything living dies. I’ve known that since I was four years old and my hamster dies. I’m going to die, you are going to die. I’m not saying that it’s going to happen tomorrow, or next week, or the next decade even, but it’s inevitable. I want to know how my body will be laid to rest.

KIM Why do you care?

CARLY I don’t want all those weird chemicals pumped into me, that seems so wasteful and toxic. I don’t want to be in a cemetery. Did you know that cemeteries are running out of space and stacking coffins on top of one another? That’s sick. I don’t want that and the only way that I know that won’t happen is if I put it in our will.

KIM We don’t have to put it in, you just told me. I’ll remember.

CARLY What if we die at the same time? And your mom or my mom has to make all the arrangements?

KIM sits.

KIM Oh my God.

CARLY Are you alright?

KIM That would be so hard on them, burying their children. Damn. (Pause) Damnit Carly! Now you’ve ruined my whole day. I won’t be able to get out of my head how hard it would be on my mom if I died. Thanks.

CARLY I didn’t mean to upset you. I just like things planned, organized. What do you think you’ll want when you pass?

KIM Do you promise to drop all of this talk about death?

CARLY Absolutely.

KIM I don’t know… Coffin I guess?

CARLY There are a lot of other options, are you sure?

KIM What else is there?

CARLY Burial at sea? You love the ocean!

KIM No, too many fish.

CARLY Cremation?

KIM I’m afraid of being burned!

CARLY You’ll be dead! You won’t feel anything

KIM I don’t want a cremation. This whole thing is ridiculous, ao I’m allowed to have nonsensical reasons, okay?

CARLY Right. You’re totally right, I’m sorry. So… Well…

KIM I’ll come up with something.

Pause.

CARLY Like now?

KIM I was going to think about it.

CARLY Can you think about it now? I was planning on dropping all of this off at the lawyers before pilates.

KIM You’re such a pain in the ass, you know that?

CARLY Love you too babe.

KIM Fine… Well…

CARLY Lots of choices.

KIM Stop that!

CARLY What?

KIM I’m trying to concentrate, stop talking!

CARLY Right, sorry. Total silence from this moment on… (Pause) You’re still thinking about it, right?

KIM Yes!

CARLY I just can’t tell if you’re thinking about it, or just pretending to think about it as a ploy to somehow get out of this.

KIM Fine. Here’s my idea… Wooden box, nothing fancy. No chemicals, I want to be put in the ground as soon as possible. But not a cemetery, like a… Just a nice place. Just a nice place with a nice feeling to it. Up in the hills or something. And I’d like a tree planted over me. As a marker. A willow tree. That’s what I want.

Pause.

CARLY That’s what you want?

KIM Is it bad?

CARLY It’s perfect!

CARLY takes out her notebook again and starts to cross everything out.

KIM What are you doing?

CARLY I want that too, just like that. You’re good at this.

Pause.

KIM So, we’re done?

CARLY Yep.

KIM I’d be crushed if you died. Destroyed.

CARLY I know, that’s why we need a plan.

End of play.

I took my two little monsters to see “CLICK, CLACK, MOO” at Fairyland today. They actually sat and watched all 90 minutes of it, impressive! It got me thinking about children’s theatre though. I always assumed that it’s something I wouldn’t ever be able to write for (I have a hard time not using profanity) but after seeing one of my kid’s favorite books adapted I’m thinking it just might be possible. I will have to do some investigating, but there’s this book of theirs I love called The Paper Bag Princess that would make a wonderful play, I already am trying to figure it out in my head. I’ll probably need music, because kids love dancing and singing, not sure what I’ll do… And I’m also not sure if I can just adapt the book without permission, or if I have to contact the author first. We shall see… New adventure!

Had an easy day today, I only wrote one play! True, the night is still young, but I’l about to head off to see Pat Milton’s new play BELIEVERS at Stage Werx. It’s playing until August 25th so you’ll still have chances to see it!

I might get home and write play #23 tonight, but I doubt it. I feel much more relaxed about the whole thing now that I have less than 10 plays to go. Happy Saturday!!

Had to share this one… It’s incredibly formulaic, but I find it funny. I should say that it’s also 100% fictional. Any resemblance of real people or situations is pure coincidence. Enjoy!

How Terry Gross Destroyed My Life, a short play

By Rachel Bublitz

JILL and HELEN are on stage.

JILL I have news.

HELEN Good news?

JILL Very good news.

HELEN Are you sure the news is good Jill?

JILL Of course I’m sure. HELEN Because it might just be good news to you, I might think it’s crappy news.

JILL You’re going to shit your pants.

HELEN That sounds terrible.

JILL It’s going to be awesome.

HELEN I’ve never shit my pants out of joy.

JILL Forget about shit! Listen, I just got an email from….

HELEN Should I go and sit on the toilet?

JILL Just shut up! I just got an email from Terry fucking Gross.

HELEN Oh my God.

JILL I know.

HELEN No, I mean like… OH MY GOD!

JILL Terry fucking Gross!

HELEN Terry fucking Gross? Are you shitting me?

JILL I am not shitting you, see?

JILL pulls out her smart phone, opens the email and hands it to HELEN.

HELEN This is an email from Terry fucking Gross!

JILL I know, that’s what I’m telling you!

HELEN Oh my God!

JILL Did you shit your pants?

HELEN What? No! Stop that. Terry Gross wants us on her show.

JILL I told you, I fucking told you. We can’t just revolutionize the way people write poetry and get ignored.

HELEN I’m not sure we revolutionized anything.

JILL We inspired people. Over 1,000 people! We’ve changed things, we did something!

HELEN Terry Gross wants us to be on Fresh Air! Do we get to meet her? Do we fly to wherever she is? Is it on the phone?

JILL It’s just a small piece, it’ll be over the phone.

HELEN Still.

JILL I know!

Pause.

HELEN You did a damn good job.

JILL Well, thanks.

HELEN No seriously. I came to you with this silly little idea, and you made it a global phenomenon! Terry fucking Gross is going to interview us on Fresh Air.

JILL (Impersonating Terry Gross) Hi, I’m Terry Gross, this is Fresh Air!

HELEN Terry fucking Gross!

We hear a noise from JILL’s phone.

JILL It’s another email!

HELEN Open it!

JILL pulls out her smart phone and opens her email.

JILL The interview is set for two days from now.

HELEN Two days! Just two days? I need to prepare! Two days isn’t enough time! I can’t do two days.

JILL It’s Terry fucking Gross, you’ll do whatever day she asks of you. Besides, you’ll be great, you’ve got all the fancy talk to make you sound credible.

HELEN Okay, what else does it say?

JILL It’ll be over the phone… That’s a bummer, we won’t actually be meeting her, just a phone thing.

HELEN Jill, it’s Terry fucking Gross.

JILL Yeah, you’re right. Forget that.

HELEN You’re my best friend, you know that? I love you.

JILL I love you too.

HELEN No, like… I don’t think we have just one soul mate, I think we have like a couple, you know? I always thought of my dad as a soul mate, we had this incredible connection that… Anyway, it’s like kindred spirits. We have that. This project, writing a poem a day for a month, it would have been so flat and boring with out you. You spiced it all up, you brought in all the poets! You made all this happen and I am so glad that we got to do all of this together. Thank you for your hard work and support.

JILL That means a lot to me. I mean… Just you asking me to get involved with this incredible project, I was honored. You’re a visionary, you know that?

HELEN Come here!

JILL and HELEN hug.

JILL Okay, back to business.

JILL returns to reading the email on her phone.

HELEN Does it give a time? Do we have options? I mean, I’ll move shit around, it’s Terry fucking Gross after all….

Pause.

JILL Oh.

HELEN What’s up.

JILL Well… It’s a short spot, like I said.

HELEN Yeah, who cares? It’s national coverage! Anything is better than nothing.

JILL She only has time for one of us.

HELEN One?

JILL They want us to pick which one of us will… You know, get to talk to Terry Gross.

Pause.

HELEN Okay. So… I’m going to be honest here, because that’s what I know.

JILL Okay.

HELEN I should go.

JILL I should go!

HELEN I wasn’t done.

JILL Fine.

HELEN I should go, it was my idea.

JILL I gave it life! I gave it soul!

HELEN I give it credibility. Think about it, one of us has to get on national radio and get people jazzed about poetry. Who’s going to be better? Think of what’s best for the project.

JILL I am. I bring the fire! You’re all facts and figures and shit. I’m like the fucking mascot!

HELEN There’s a reason that they interview the coach and not the mascot at the end of a game.

JILL Okay, mascot was a bad choice. I should get the interview, I mean I set it up! I wrote the press release, I sent it out!

HELEN I corrected all of your spelling errors!

JILL I’m the one who passed out the flyers and spread the word! All you do it sit at home and write.

HELEN I’m shy!

JILL Then why do you want to get on the radio with Terry Gross?

HELEN It’s Terry Gross! It’s like… Like my biggest dream! My best fantasy always involves getting interviewed by Terry Gross.

JILL You fantasize about Terry Gross?

HELEN Interviewing me. That’s it.

JILL I don’t think you should do it, you have this weird love thing going on for her, we can’t scare her off.

HELEN You love her too!

JILL Of course I do, it’s Terry fucking Gross! Shit. What are we going to do? Flip a coin?

HELEN No coins! This was my idea! I get to go. Me! That’s it, we’re done.

JILL That’s not fair, I worked just as hard as you.

HELEN You didn’t even keep up with the challenge!

JILL That was low! I tried. I’m sorry I don’t write as fast as you.

HELEN You’d do a terrible job representing us.

JILL Than maybe I shouldn’t be a part of this, since I couldn’t keep up.

HELEN Maybe not.

JILL If that’s how you feel than fine!

JILL takes out her phone, opens the email and begins to type.

HELEN What are you writing?

JILL “Dear Terry, thanks for the offer. We’re going to pass. My partner, Helen thinks you’re an ass wipe.”

HELEN tries to get the phone from JILL.

HELEN Do not send that.

JILL You can’t stop me! You can’t do anything!

JILL gets out of HELEN’s reach.

HELEN Please! Don’t!

JILL hits the send button.

JILL Too late. And this is what I think of your stupid poetry.

JILL throws her phone as hard as she can on the floor, it breaks. Pause.

HELEN That was your phone.

JILL I was… I forgot, I was just so pissed. Whatever, I’ll get a new one. Not like I don’t have time for better things now anyway. When you see what an asshole you’ve been, don’t come begging to get me back. I’m done with you.

JILL exits.

HELEN Terry fucking Gross.

End of play.

Shoot me. Shoot me right in the face. Please? Fine. I just finished writing my 20th play. Oy vey. I’m having a hard time coming up with names for my characters. The other thing I’ve realized is that I write a lot about either sex or death, and sometimes both sex and death. Really trying to push myself to write anything else at this point. Here’s a quirky monologue about a woman (Phoebe, good name, huh?) breaking up… You’ll have to read it to discover who is on the other side. Enjoy!

It’s Not You, It’s Me; a monologue

By Rachel Bublitz

PHOEBE

It’s over. Me and you, I just can’t do it anymore. You’re driving me crazy, when we’re home together all you do is complain. It’s just too much I can’t handle it anymore… Yes I love you, how can you even ask me that?… No, this isn’t about the other night. I told you that I wasn’t upset. I was glad that you went out with your friends, you should have fun… I promise. I… You don’t like my kids! I mean when we started out it was just me, I have a family now and you constantly try and keep yourself out of that as much as possible. I can’t live with that, it’s stressful. They care for you so much, and to see their disappointment again and again…. No I haven’t decided to replace you, I’m not that cruel. Well… I’ve thought about it, not for younger, don’t jump to conclusions. Just someone more compatible. Someone willing to put in the effort. Right now I just need time and space and… I need to spend some time alone. I thought this was for life too. This hurts me, this is tearing me up inside, I see how unfair I’m being to you. I just have to put my family and my sanity first. You just… You don’t fit in my world anymore. I wish that you did. We had good times together. You were… You were all that I had, all that I needed for so long. It’s going to be better for you, this change. Don’t give me that look, you’ll see. I found someone else for you… I don’t care if that’s normal or not, it was the right thing to do! She is a little older…. Well all the young ones are out partying! They’re not ready for you, for the responsibility. You’ll be happier with her. I know you will. Her… Well, she just lost someone about six months ago and she’s been so lonely. It’s really perfect the way it worked out. Kismet. I need you to get into the box now. Yes I packed your nippy mouse and the laser. All your things, they’re all packed up and ready. Oh, Mr. Catpants, I’m going to miss you so much! I just… It’s for the best, it really is… Mr. Catpants, I… I can’t promise that. No. We might get a dog, kids love dogs I’m sorry. I don’t want to lie to you. I respect you too much for that. I can say that a dog will never replace the feelings I have for you in my heart. I will always love you, Mr. Catpants. You’re my first pet! Time to get in the box. Please don’t piss in the car on the way over. You’ve got much more class than that.

End of play.

Today I wrote plays 17 and 18. Play 17 was the first play that I thought I’d stick in a drawer and never look at again, but it inspired me to write this play, which I think with some fine tuning could be pretty funny. Remember… It’s a first draft!

Ain’t No Party Better Than A Princess Tea Party, a ten minute play

By Rachel Bublitz

The stage is set for an incredibly elaborate tea party. YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN is on stage. ARIEL, BELLE, and CINDERELLA join her. All four have tea cups.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN I can’t believe you’re really here.

CINDERELLA I never turn down a tea party.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN When I was a kid…. Let’s just say there’s a little girl inside me crying with joy.

BELLE That’s our main objective, making little girls cry… With joy, of course.

CINDERELLA Of course with joy.

Pause.

ARIEL The tea is nice. What kind is it?

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN Strawberry.

ARIEL Yum, strawberry.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN Anyone need anymore?

CINDERELLA I’m fine, thank you.

ARIEL I’m still working on my first cup.

Pause.

BELLE So… Is there a reason why you invited us here today?

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN There’s actually… We’re still waiting on a guest. I invited Snow White.

BELLE Snow White is coming? Interesting.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN Is interesting good?

BELLE At times.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you didn’t get along.

BELLE Don’t be silly, I’m a princess. I get along with everyone.

Pause. SNOW WHITE enters.

SNOW WHITE I know I’m late! So sorry!

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN You must be Snow White.

SNOW WHITE The one and only. Hey girls.

CINDERELLA Hi!

ARIEL Hey Snow White.

SNOW WHITE Hello Belle.

BELLE Oh, hey Snow White. So nice of you to show up.

SNOW WHITE Some of us have other social obligations, we can’t be everywhere all the time.

BELLE I have social obligations.

SNOW WHITE Sure, sure. (To YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN) Thank you, for having me in your home. I’ll take some tea, if you don’t mind.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN Of course!

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN pours tea into a tea cup and hands it to SNOW WHITE.

SNOW WHITE That’s more like it.

Pause.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN Okay, I might as well start. Some of you are probably wondering why I asked you here today. Okay, I’m just going to jump right into it. Well… This is hard for me to say, you guys… You’re my idols….

ARIEL That is just so sweet.

CINDERELLA Take all the time you need honey.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN You ruined my life?

CINDERELLA What? Me?

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN No, all of you. You stupid princesses. You completely ruined my life.

SNOW WHITE Do you know who you’re talking to?

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN Yes. The Disney princesses. The women that taught me that my life would be perfect once I found my one true love. The ones that taught me that no matter how lazy, or rude, or generic this man was, that he would love me and change for me and I would live happily ever after! Well that didn’t happen!

CINDERELLA Oh dear.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN I met someone. We fell in love… And he completely took advantage of me! He didn’t change or grow into a respectable man, he abused my kindness and left me when I couldn’t help him any longer. And it’s all because of you and your stupid fucking movies!

ARIEL Please stop swearing, it’s appropriate.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN That’s all you have to say for yourselves? I believed in you! I help you up on pedestals! You taught me the way of the world, or at least that’s what I thought you were teaching me… But that fairy tale world doesn’t exist! It’s a damn lie! (Pointing to ARIEL) You have to give up your family and way of life to be with the man you love. (To SNOW WHITE) You’re hunted like an animal because of your beauty and killed! It’s your beauty, and your beauty alone that saves you when your prince kisses your lips, your beauty is the only thing he cares for! You’re teaching girls that looks are all that matter! (To CINDERELLA) Same thing with you, all your prince cares about if your looks and dance moves, you call that a foundation for a healthy relationship? (To BELLE) And you! You say you want something more, but all you really want it to have a larger house with you beastly prince. All of your stories stop once you meet men. It’s like that’s the important part of your life, the journey it takes to find your husband. What happened before or after makes no difference as long as you get your happy ever after with a guy. What kind of role models are you setting out to be? How are girls supposed to see your stories and not walk away obsessed with wedding and finding a man to change and marry? How? How? Well? Answer me!

ARIEL Well…

CINDERELLA It’s…

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN Answer me!

BELLE We don’t owe you a thing.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN How can you say that? Do you know how many years I wasted on that creep because of the sentimental bull shit you brain washed me with?

BELLE You were a kid! Kids fall in love and get heart broken. With us or without us.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN I wouldn’t have stayed, I would have known better.

BELLE No you wouldn’t have. It doesn’t matter how much you see examples of relationships, you don’t understand them until you’re in one with a partner who puts in the effort to sustain said relationship. Look, I’m sorry you got hurt, I know how that feels.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN Like hell you do.

BELLE Oh, you know what happened after the Beast was transformed, do you? You’re an expert?

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN You live happily ever after.

BELLE Do you know how hard it is to sustain a marriage? We’re talking about a long hard, up hill battle. Both people are learning, growing, constantly becoming new people and if you want to stay together you constantly have to adjust and reevaluate or everything crumples around you. We’ve been in couples therapy on four different occasions.

SNOW WHITE laughs out loud.

SNOW WHITE (Fake coughs) Pathetic.

BELLE Like you can talk! Everyone knows about you and Doc!

SNOW WHITE Those rumors are ridiculous and disgusting!

CINDERELLA Oh, give it a rest.

ARIEL Seriously.

BELLE Sometimes even two people in open, loving relationships need help. It’s not like everything stands still after your wedding day. You have to work to make it work.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN Why didn’t you tell me that?

BELLE Oh please, you can’t put all of that on us.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN Why not?

BELLE Because there are other things in your life! You weren’t just shoved in a room with a TV, and our movies on rerun were you?

ARIEL That exists?

BELLE No it doesn’t exist. (To YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN) Right.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN No, I… But I idolized you. I knew the words to all of your movies. I worshiped you!

BELLE Then your parents, or parent, or caregiver did you a dis-service. I admit that there are problems with he messages in our movies, I get that… But you can’t blame us for all of your problems. Where were the positive female role models in your life? The real women?

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN I…

BELLE Teachers, neighbors, your mom…

SNOW WHITE If it’s anyone you should be disappointed with, it’s them.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN It is?

BELLE You’re going to get hurt. You’re going to fall down and make mistakes because this is life and life is messy. You can’t put all of your eggs in one basket, not our basket, or a man’s basket. You need to figure out what drives you, what gets your heart pumping.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN Well… I like to take pictures.

BELLE Great. Perfect. Do it. Get out there and do it all the time, eat it, sleep it, breathe it.

CINDERELLA I run marathons!

ARIEL I collect antiques!

BELLE Don’t worry about making money, well don’t worry about making money with taking pictures. Get a job that pays the bills and that gives you the flexibility to do what you love. And if you’re lucky, one day you won’t need that job any more. Forget about boys and men and all of that. You’ll be amazed that once you stop focusing on your love life, things will just click into place it’s own.

SNOW WHITE True story. I wasn’t looking for love! Hell, technically, I was dead! And boom, out of no where, Prince Charming!

BELLE And next time… When you meet someone… Don’t be so easy to give them your heart. Take your time. Don’t be so guarded that you never let anyone in, but don’t give your heart away like it isn’t worth anything. Got it?

Pause.

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN I guess so. So… I can’t blame you for all of the things screwed up in my life?

BELLE Nope.

SNOW WHITE Sorry.

ARIEL Won’t help anything.

CINDERELLA Not at all.

BELLE You’ll be okay. You just have to learn to own your mistakes. Your mistakes are what makes you special, you’ll see. One day, you’ll see.

Pause.

SNOW WHITE Great, now that we’ve got that settled, can we please get to the finger sandwiches? I’m starving!

YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN What? Oh yeah… Sure. Coming right up.

End of play.

I’ve been thinking of this play “God Damn Pandas” for nearly a year. Today, with nothing to lose, I wrote it out. It was my third play today, trying to push through to get closer to the end! 31 is a lot of plays. But I’m really enjoying myself. It’s great to write without worrying if there’s anything that I can do with it, or if the idea will even work. I just have to write because I have to write. Keep on pushing fellow 31 Plays/31 Days peeps!

God Damn Pandas, a short play

By Rachel Bublitz

We are at a zoo. Specifically where the giraffe and lion enclosers meet. LION is on stage, in her encloser. GIRAFFE enters, and stays in his encloser.

GIRAFFE Good morning.

LION Says you. The damn howler monkeys kept me up half the night.

GIRAFFE They were awfully noisy last night.

LION You’re telling me! It’s fucking ridiculous. Every damn night it’s like a rave over there.

GIRAFFE They’re very social creatures.

LION Social creatures my ass. They just better hope that we never come face to face… I’d love to chomp them to pieces.

GIRAFFE Ha ha ha.

LION How about you? Sleep well?

GIRAFFE Well, okay, considering…

LION Those damn monkeys! I’m telling you they’re almost as bad as those good for nothing pandas!

GIRAFFE Oh those pandas.

LION Don’t even get me started on the pandas.

GIRAFFE So you didn’t hear the news?

ZOO ANNOUNCER (OFF STAGE) Good morning zoo patrons! Welcome! The doors are officially open. Be sure and swing by the panda exhibit early to avoid the crowds. For maps and show schedule please visit the information center located at the entrance. Enjoy your day!

LION Did you hear that? Visit the pandas early? Always the damn pandas! Always! Why don’t they advise anyone to visit the lions early? Huh? Or the giraffes. It’s just so… ROAR!

GIRAFFE Maybe I shouldn’t tell you.

LION Tell me what?

GIRAFFE The news…

LION What news?? Are we getting a new animal? I could use a mate.

GIRAFFE Well, it’s about the pandas.

LION Pandas? PANDAS? Are you shitting me? Oh, hold up… People.

LION and GIRAFFE start behaving like the prospective animals that they are (eating leaves, stretching, etc).

GIRAFFE We’re good.

LION Now what’s going on? They’re not getting rid of them, are they? If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times. They take up way too much of the zoos resources. It’s not fair to the other animals! And plus, I mean all the attention…. It’s like they’re all the people want to see. Are they getting rid of the pandas?

GIRAFFE No.

LION Then what is it?

GIRAFFE People.

LION Huh?

GIRAFFE People, look.

LION and GIRAFFE start behaving like the prospective animals that they are (eating leaves, stretching, etc).

LION They’re gone, now spill the beans!

GIRAFFE I don’t know.

LION What do you mean you don’t know?

GIRAFFE It’s just going to upset you. You make me so nervous when you’re angry… The roaring and all.

LION I can’t help what I am. But we’re friends, right?

GIRAFFE I suppose.

LION We’ve come to a neighborly appreciation of one another. I have so much respect for you.

GIRAFFE Right, but…

LION Look you leaf eater, I won’t hurt you. I can’t. I… Have you noticed the four feet of cement between us? Damn it, more people.

LION and GIRAFFE start behaving like the prospective animals that they are (eating leaves, stretching, etc).

GIRAFFE Okay, here’s the deal. They want a panda baby, they want a baby and they want one bad. They’re going to order two male pandas from China, and triple the size of the encloser.

LION WHAT? TWO MALE PANDAS? TWO?

GIRAFFE You’re making me nervous.

LION ROARRRRRR! ROARRRR! Oh, I’m so God damn… ROAR! Those good for nothing pandas. What is it about them? They choke on their food like half the time! Two males? Two? I’ve gone four years without another lion here! It’s lonely! And that panda bitch gets TWO MATES?

GIRAFFE I guess that pandas are very… Particular.

LION Not that anyone knows, she won’t talk to any of us. The lesser animals.

GIRAFFE She only speaks Chinese!

LION She’s been at the zoo for over five years, she could try and learn English. Did you hear about the look she gave Peacock the other day? Ostrich saw the whole thing. All you hear is all this pre-Madona crap. I… Two mates. Well, thanks for telling me, sorry for the… I have a hard time, you know, reigning in the “lion within” at times.

GIRAFFE I understand. It makes me grumpy too.

LION That’s kinda cute.

GIRAFFE What?

LION I’ve never seen you upset before. Not that different.

GIRAFFE You know… Leaf eaters don’t need all the aggression.

LION Tell that to those crazy fucking zebras!

GIRAFFE That’s for sure… Zebras.

LION More people coming! Well, I’m going to go lounge on the other rock, try and scare the piss out of those fucking howler monkeys. Keep it real!

GIRAFFE Yeah, you too.

LION You know I will! I still can’t believe it. Triple of the space and two mates. What I wouldn’t give….

LION and GIRAFFE start behaving like the prospective animals that they are (eating leaves, stretching, etc). End of play.

Trevor Allen, a guest blogger for Theatre Bay Area, wrote up a post about 31 Plays in 31 Days! Here are some highlights:

“Although the concept isn’t entirely new, it is an excitingly fresh take on new play creation. It’s as if someone took the National Novel Writing Month model and Suzan-Lori Parks’ 365 Days/365 Plays concept, threw in a couple of 24-hour, 10-minute and one-page festivals and did a mash up. The result would probably look something like this, only not as well organized.” From “So, You’re Going to Write 31 Plays in 31 Days? Really?” by Trevor Allen

And…

“According to Bublitz, it’s meant to “generate new work” as well as “build a community of writers, who normally write in isolation.” She says that it’s important to push yourself as a writer and her message to anyone curious about it is to join in and “find out if you’re playwright enough.” Potter adds that “the purpose of 31P/31D is to challenge writers to go beyond whatever boundaries or obstacles they’ve been encountering.”” From “So, You’re Going to Write 31 Plays in 31 Days? Really?” by Trevor Allen

It’s great to have so many people get interested in our project! To read the entire article, click here.